Of Winter Nights and Memories
by ladymacaroni
Summary: Takes place in DH. After Remus's fight with Harry at Grimmauld Place, Remus decides to go back to see the love of his life one last time- the man who used to be his best friend and lover, until Remus left him so many years ago. RLOC/ slash. T for safety


Summary: Takes place in DH. After Remus's fight with Harry at Grimmauld Place and Harry tells him to go back to Tonks, Remus decides to go back to see the love of his life one last time- a man who used to be his best friend and lover, until he scarred him both physically and mentally. RLOC/ slash.

Note: This story is a piece from another story I was originally working on (unpublished as of yet). Alex and his twin sister, Cecile, are OC characters.

**DISCLAIMER: Sadly, I don't own HP and I probably will neverrrrr. Only Alex and the pre-HP plotline is mine. Enjoy!**

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><p>It was cold and dark out. The approaching-winter night seemed to be relishing in its cruelty, the frosty air breezing past in chilling gusts. Alex was sitting at his desk, having been staring at the documents in front of him for what seemed like hours already, yet not being able to comprehend a single thing it said. In the far back of his mind, Cecile lingered as a worried presence, often calling out to him, but receiving no response in return. But she should have grown used to it. After all, it had been almost twenty years.<p>

Twenty years…

Twenty years since the love of his life had left him. So bitterly… so heartlessly… on a cold winter night just like this one.

And though his remotely homey townhouse was flooded with dim lighting- not too bright, yet just enough to see, and beside him, a fire flickered in the hearth, Alex could not help but feel the winter chill strike straight into his heart.

In his right hand gripped a black, polished quill- so firmly that it almost snapped beneath his fingers. Yet Alex did not seem to notice as he battled against the flood of memories that was approaching so drastically fast.

No… he would not let that happen tonight. He could not afford to lose it tonight. These papers were due. _His_ life depended on them.

And that was precisely why he startled so violently when at approximately half past eleven, his doorbell rang, and his quill was snapped in two.

Alex was barely conscious when he rose unsteadily to his feet, unaware of the smear of ink over his right palm and fingers as he dropped the broken quill and headed out into the small entrance corridor towards the front door.

Who would be visiting him this late at night?

More precisely- who would be visiting him at all?

It couldn't be Cecile, for she would have at least let him know ahead of time. And even if he was in one of his moments while she tried to contact him, she would have used the floo instead of the front door. Another strange reason, for no witch or wizard had ever knocked on his front door at this hour on a winter night, let alone visited him in his townhouse at all.

Very few were even aware he owned a small place outside the estate.

Unless…

The thought gripped him like icy fingers as his hand froze on the brass handle of the door. No, Alex shook his head, his dark hair- still charcoal, never grey, flopping in his face. No. It wouldn't be. It _couldn't_ be. That was twenty years ago. Only a memory. Nothing more.

Cecile's presence had built up more strongly in his mind, and Alex was aware that she was watching his every move. He tried to relax- he really did. Perhaps it was just the mailman, or some muggle kids playing a prank.

He tried to convince himself, but to no prevail. He knew who was standing on the other side of that door. The familiar aura the werewolf's mind radiated in the winter cold- an inner voice he had not heard for twenty years.

And when he finally mustered up enough courage to open the door, sure enough, he was right. But nothing could have ever brought him more shock that the true realization of it. Remus Lupin was standing on his front step in tattered robes and a sorrowful expression.

They stood in silence for what seemed like eternity, both feeling the harsh chill of the winter storm, yet neither fully conscious enough to recognize it. Alex was partially aware of Cecile's frantic presence in his mind, yet all he could feel was numbness. And all he could see were those oh-so familiar amber eyes that watched him with a sorrowful gleam. It felt as if the world had stopped around them, and nobody else mattered. Just like the old days…

And the first word that broke the melancholy silence was one uttered without even knowing it.

"Remus…"

A rush of emotions pounded through Alex's mind as he gripped the doorway for support, his legs threatening to give away as his eyes took in the familiar face before him.

The last time Alex had felt his presence was scarcely two years back, before Sirius's death, at headquarters. But he had fled before the other man could even realize that he was there, and had collapsed in his room for a week with no company other than his sorrows to keep him alive.

And yet today… he was barely.

He heard news, of course. He lived off them like an addict, unaware of what they were doing to his heart and mind. When he had heard that Remus had gotten married- just only recently, he transformed into his animagus form and fled the country for months, unaware of where he was headed, or what he was doing. Every day he lived a dream- a nightmare- his own presence destroyed by a single man he would never stop loving. Alexander Grey was no longer alive.

That was, not until tonight.

_He_ stood at the bottom of the steps, his hands frozen at his side, bare and white from the cold. His breath- how Alex longed to feel it against his skin once more- a misty cloud in the night air. His sandy hair now streaked with grey hung, almost lifelessly. Yet those eyes. They were the same- the very same warm amber eyes that had spoken of their love so many years ago. The very same eyes that had held Alex captive since the first time they met- though 22 years seemed like forever ago, Alex could remember it even better than yesterday.

"Alex." It was barely a word- two syllables, that left his pale lips- oh how Alex yearned to feel them again-, yet the emotion behind the whisper was enough to make Alex crumble to the floor. But he didn't. He stayed standing.

Silver eyes searched deep amber almost desperately for an answer. One Alex knew already so very well would tear him apart the minute it left the werewolf's lips.

"Why are you here, Remus?" The question was quiet, delivered almost as if the speaker no longer had the strength to voice his words. Yet sound traveled, and Remus could hear so very well. It reminded him of their late night whispers so many years ago, when they were oh so in love… and it seemed like nothing could tear them apart.

It was a while before the other man responded.

"Harry told me to go home."

For a moment, Alex did not understand. There was a vague memory in the back of his mind, its presence churning gently, like water behind glass- visible, yet untouchable…

_Harry told me to go home…_

_Home._

_To his wife._

And when it snapped, Alex visibly flinched, his grip on the doorframe tightening as his fingers dug into the polished wood.

But he didn't answer the question.

"Why are you _here_, Remus?" Alex asked again, voice even quieter this time as he tore his gaze away from those amber eyes he loved so much. His heart thundered traitorously against his chest as he fought to stay upright, something ripping at him from the inside as he waited for the other man's answer.

And again, it was a long while before Remus responded. And when he did, Alex almost crumpled right there and then on the spot.

"Nymphadora is pregnant."

And just like that, Alex's entire world fell apart- from the broken, shattered pieces it was already in to shards of invisible pain and grief.

Unable to take the pain any longer, with fear that he might collapse right on the spot, Alex turned swiftly, making to close the door behind him. But Remus was quicker.

Several decades of lycanthropic experience gave him the advantage of both heightened senses and speed, something Alex had once taken pleasure in during their days together. But tonight- tonight, he just didn't know anymore.

Within the blink of an eye, Remus had fled up the porch steps and was standing directly behind him, one firm hand holding the door ajar from where Alex made to close it. And though Alex had his back turned to the other man, the heat radiating off his warm frame was enough to turn him weak.

How Alex had missed his scent so- it was so, so different from any other he had ever encountered. And he breathed it in now, unable to stop himself from drinking in that musky aroma that now enveloped him.

And all of a sudden, Alex's breath hitched violently in his throat as he began to shiver, his entire body tensing up. Remus's hand- the free one that was not holding open the door, was lifted to skim his arm ever so gently…

Alex shuddered into his touch, unable to pull himself away as Remus stroked his arm tenderly.

Why was he doing this? Didn't he know that this was wrong- that he was married?

The thought struck a blow to Alex's mind, and he flinched away from Remus's touch. His companion's hand stopped momentarily, and Alex's breathing began to come in fast, uneven stops.

Did he even know what he was doing to him? Did he know that his touch alone- after all these years… how strongly it affected him? How he longed… _yearned_… to lean into the other man's frame… to have him envelop his arms around him like they had done once upon a memory ago…

And just like that, the fire was set off. It was impossible to tell who started it and who was the first to react, for it seemed they both knew instantaneously what was coming.

Alex had spun around right into Remus's arms, and immediately, their lips crashed against each other's, and pandemonium was set off.

They grasped at the other with a sense of burning passion, all thoughts about anything else forgotten as desperation burned deep within their hearts. Remus's lips were like fire against Alex's own frozen ones, crushed against each other with a desire put off for twenty years.

Remus's rough, calloused hands cradled Alex's face as Alex's own hands gripped the collar of Remus's worn shirt, their breathing heavy as they fought between the need for air and the burning lust in the pit of their stomachs.

Desperation clawed at both men as Remus pushed Alex back into the house, stumbling as they fought to keep their lips in contact. The front door swung shut as they staggered through the hall, Alex hardly able to stay upright as he was shoved backwards, but the passion he poured into the kiss was perhaps even stronger than the force of Remus's hands. They stumbled backwards into the study that Alex was previously sitting in.

The quill he had snapped in two earlier before was still on his desk, atop stacks and mounds of papers and scrolls of parchment that he was supposed to be working on, but had abandoned long ago.

Gently shoving Alex back against the desk and trapping him with his own body, Remus pressed against him, the kiss growing more furious by the second.

And then all of a sudden, Alex stopped. He pulled back mid-kiss, and it was a second before Remus realized that Alex was no longer responding to his passion.

His amber eyes sparkled with confusion, and a painful emotion that bordered hurt as Alex pushed him back gently, his pale hands lingering against Remus's chest for only the slightest fraction of a second longer than necessary.

His silver eyes looked everywhere but Remus's face as he brushed out of where he was standing- between Remus and the desk, to stand a foot away, his back turned to the other man.

"Alex- what's wrong?" Remus started, his voice laced with confusion and what seemed like worry.

Alex didn't respond for a while, his back still turned. It wasn't until Remus stepped forward to close the space between them, his hand lifting to gently touch Alex's shoulder that Alex flinched violently, spinning around to face him.

And the sight that greeted Remus was one that ripped his already shredded heart into even tinier pieces. His shock must have been evident on his face, for when Alex turned, for the first time Remus had ever seen, his pale silver eyes were misted with what seemed like tears, his expression contorted in absolute pain.

"Alex…" He trailed off, not knowing what to say. Remus had never seen Alex cry. In all the 22 years that they had known and loved each other, Alex had never before shed a single tear for anyone. Not even when his parents were killed, or when Remus walked out of his life for the first time…

Even now, though his eyes were glazed over, Alex fought to control the flood of emotions that ripped at him, unwilling to let the tears spill over. He would not cry. He could not cry.

"Go home, Remus." Those three words took all the energy left in his wounded soul to utter, and Alex's whole frame shook as he stood, almost wavering in place. Remus stared at his ex-lover, torn between hurt and worry, his expression twisted with pain.

"No." Remus's response was soft, but his words had a final edge to it. He also knew that Alex was never the one to go down without a fight. So doing the only logical thing that came to mind, when Alex opened his mouth to argue, Remus stepped forward to close the space between them and captured his lips in his own once again.

The kiss they shared this time was tender- far more gentle than the one they had previously experience, yet passionate all the same. As the kiss grew deeper, Remus's hands snaked down to Alex's waist, and he pulled the other man closer towards him. And once again, Alex found himself struggling with his mind and heart as he fought the urge to stay enveloped in Remus's arms.

This time, Remus was the one to break the kiss, ever so gently as he pulled back for air. He rest his forehead against Alex's own, but Alex refused to meet his eyes. Remus had never been the dominant one during their relationship days, and it was a little unusual for Alex to see him so demanding.

But he guessed twenty years of desperation could do that to a man.

Or maybe being with Nymphadora…

Something snapped inside Alex, and all of a sudden, he flinched out of Remus's arms, pushing him back.

The look of confusion was back as Remus stared at him, unable to understand what was going on in his mind. A struggling fury was building up in Alex as he shuddered internally, trying to suppress the frustration that was threatening to burst.

"Alex-"

"Go home, Remus." His tone had changed completely from before. No longer was the command quiet and halfhearted, but now forceful and final. Hurt flickered in Remus's dimming amber eyes.

There was a moment of silence before Remus responded. "You don't want me…?" Insecurity wavered in his voice, and for a split second, Alex caught a glimpse of the socially awkward boy he had known 22 years ago, before anything had ever happened between them. Guilt flooded through him, but he battled it, forcing it down. No, he shouldn't be the one to regret his decisions. Remus had hurt him. He had no right to come barging in on his life again.

"Why are you here, Remus?" It seemed this question would never get old. Alex's tears had vanished- long evaporated since a darkening anger had surged through him. "Why come back now?"

Remus did not respond right away. And for the first time, as the light from the fireplace reflected against his frame, Alex noticed what the years between them had done to the other man. Faint scars were drawn over his body, starting at his neck and disappearing into the collar of his shirt, across his arms and wrists, down his jawline…

"Because I made the wrong decision in marrying Nymphadora."

Alex's eyes flickered up to meet amber ones, yet he kept his cool. He would not let hope get the best of him ever again, no matter how hard his heart was thundering.

"And so you come here." And though the statement made was not at all threatening or aggressive in any way, Remus heard the slight accusing tone behind Alex's words.

"No," he said softly. "I came to apologize."

At this, Alex was stunned. Apologize- after all these years? His anger was building up every minute.

"Is that all I am to you, Remus?" The question was quiet. "A rebound? A toy? You pick me up and throw me away, walk out of my life for twenty years, and you come back one day and tell me your wife is pregnant? And you expect me to forgive you? The hell, Remus! I've had it!" Alex's voice had risen in volume, a surge of emotions flickering by so quickly behind his eyes that Remus could not even catch one of them.

Remus stared at him, almost bemused, as he opened his mouth to speak, but Alex cut him off. He wasn't done. "Do you know what it's been like for me, these past twenty years? Do you? Wait- that's right. Of course you don't. You never gave a bloody fuck about anyone- you told me you loved me and I actually believed you. And then you left me standing in the middle of a fucking courtyard in the middle of winter so you could go parade with some other bloody guy who could probably fuck better than I could! I was a fool, Remus! A bloody fool!"

At this point, Remus grabbed Alex by his arms, his eyes blazing. And Alex almost startled, but kept his composure in time. "I loved you," he growled, staring Alex straight in the eyes, and Alex was almost surprised to see the passion and fury burning behind Remus's own amber orbs. "Fuck that, I _love _you, Alex. And don't ever let anyone- not even yourself, tell you otherwise. You don't know what it was like- having to leave the only person you've ever loved. But I had to, Alex. I hurt you."

His eyes flickered to the scar that flawed Alex's otherwise beautiful face- a faint, pale line that ran from his jawline down to his opposite chest, disappearing beneath the button-down shirt that he was currently wearing. It was the only visible scar that Alex had carried with him for the past twenty years- the scar that marked the day Remus had walked out of his life.

"And I told you I didn't give a damn about it," Alex countered. "But you told me you were going to hurt me again anyways. But what I don't understand is- if you could hurt me, then why couldn't you hurt _her_, Remus? What is it that makes her the exception?" Pain flashed in Alex's silver orbs.

Remus was silent for a long heartbeat. "I thought you would have moved on," he admitted after a long while, almost quietly to himself. "I thought you would have gotten married- maybe had some kids of your own- moved out of the country. It wasn't until today that I heard you were still here."

"You should have known me better than," Alex replied, almost harshly, as if it was all Remus's fault.

Remus opened his mouth to respond to Alex's comment, but suddenly, something caught his eye. His hand reached out to pick up a piece of parchment that lay on the desk behind Alex. Something flickered in Alex's gaze, and immediately, his arm flashed out to grab the paper from Remus, but the other man was quicker. Whisking it out of the way as his eyes traveled across the lines on the piece of parchment, Remus had a free arm between him and Alex, who finally gave up trying to wrestle it back.

And when he finished reading, Remus looked up at his companion with a slightly shocked look on his face. His eyebrows were furrowed as he stared at Alex, his mouth opening and closing as if trying to say something, but not knowing what to say.

Alex avoided Remus's gaze as he shifted away. Remus broke the uncomfortable silence.

"It was you…" The statement was soft- surprised… almost touched. Alex fixed his gaze determinedly on the desk beside him, looking anywhere but Remus.

"All these years-" Remus choked out, sounding slightly strangled. And that was when Alex's eyes finally flickered up to meet Remus's face. Wordlessly, he reached up to take the document from Remus's raised hand, and he fiddled with it slightly, looking back down at his hands.

"Opposing the anti-werewolf laws- sacking Dolores Umbridge- fighting for werewolf rights- … that was all you?"

It was a while before Alex nodded, still fiddling with the paper in his hands.

Remus stared at the man he once loved- still loved, shock still etched in his face, but his eyes were glimmering with what seemed almost like tears.

"Why?" was the one question that Alex himself, to this day, could still not answer. Why did he still care about the man who had left him all those years ago? Why did he care about his ex-lover's lycanthropic problems… problems in society? Why did he care if the man he once loved could not get a proper job because of those problems?

Scattered across the desk were legal documents passing laws against anti-werewolf policies, newspapers with front page headings like "MYSTERIOUS ANONYMOUS MAN FIGHTS FOR WEREWOLF RIGHTS AND WINS", and "PRO-WEREWOLF MAN: WEREWOLF- DANGEROUS OR DANGER-LESS?"

Remus remembered that day so very well, many, many years ago. It was because of the law that had been passed that he had been able to get a job for the first time in a decade- the law that he had just discovered some ten years later that his ex-lover had passed. For him.

Alex shrugged in response to Remus's question, and he set the document down on his desk, before moving around to the other side, shuffling the other papers on his desk.

Remus reached out to touch him gently on the hand, and Alex startled, his gaze snapping up. He was surprised to see Remus's eyes brimming with gratitude.

"Thank you, Alex," Remus whispered, tears threatening to spill over the edge. "You've changed my life without knowing it." Alex did not respond, only blink as Remus slowly drew his hand away, almost as if he were forcing himself to.

"I'm sorry, Alex. I'm so, so sorry." A tear leaked out of the corner of one amber eye as Remus watched the man he loved watch him slowly step backwards. "I never meant to hurt you. But I have, and I know you may never forgive me for it. But please… please believe me when I say you are the only one I have ever truly loved. And will ever love."

Alex had mirrored Remus's steps, and had moved around the other side of the desk, keeping the space between them balanced. For every step that Remus took back, Alex took one forward.

And then Remus stopped in the doorway of the study, Alex still advancing towards him slowly. He knew what was coming. They both knew it deep down in their hearts.

Slowly... tenderly, Alex leaned forward to capture Remus's lips in his own, savoring every moment as he closed his eyes. And when they flickered open, Remus was already watching him.

"Goodbye, Alex." Remus's hand was raised to gently trace Alex's jawline, and Alex turned towards his touch, shivering slightly as he breathed in that so, so familiar scent for the last time. "I love you."

And then in a flurry of robes, Remus was gone, having disapparated, hopefully back to his wife and unborn child, leaving Alex shivering in the cold and alone with his memories- the exact same way he had started out the night. And not even Cecile's presence in his mind could soothe him that night. And for the first time in his 38 years, Alex slid down against the doorframe and began to cry silently.

"I love you too, Remus. I always have… and I always will."

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><p>Reviews are love!<p> 


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